The Hitchhiker's Guide to Red Dwarf
by Endigo Master
Summary: [HHGttG Red Dwarf Xover) When the Infinite Improbability Drive is used to escape a Vogon fleet, a mining ship from an alternate dimension and 3 million years in the future appears. Now, with the Galaxy out to catch these new beings, a team up is in order.
1. Default Chapter

Set after the end of the movie. Also set between the fourth and fifth series of Dwarf.

Chapter 1

The Heart of Gold

"It's not fair, I'm telling you, it's just not fair." Arthur said, pacing back and forth in front of the Nutri-Matic Drinks Synthesizer. "You mastered tea, although you left us under Vogon attack. You created coffee, however endangered we were by being pulled into by the gravity of a rather large star. So, my query is, why can't you simply come up with Coca Cola?"

"Sorry, guy, but that's just not possible." Eddie, the ship's all too cheerful computer chimed in before the Nutri-Matic could.

"Why!" he exasperated. "What could be stopping you?"

"Well, we don't very well know what's in it." the small drink machine replied flatly.

"But I've told you, it's… cola." Arthur was really at a loss on how to describe Coke. He knew what went in tea and coffee, but Coca Cola was so artificially made.

"Sorry, pal, but we'll need a little more to go on to make this Coca Cola." Eddie said happily.

Arthur sighed, defeated. "Fine, just make me a glass of tea, please." After the glass finished pouring, he took a sip, only to spit it back. "The tea I described to you, Nutri-Matic."

"Share and Enjoy." it replied, the drink dispensing into the dumped out cup the first had been held in. He turned to leave and found Marvin standing in the doorway.

"Err, hello, Marvin." Arthur said, not wanting to talk to the depressing robot.

"They're terrible, aren't they." he replied listlessly. "Always peppy, never stopping to think how horrible things in the universe are."

"Marvin, please, I really must be going." Arthur said, trying to hurry the robot along.

"Why? Zaphoid and Ford have been downing Gargle Blasters for the past few minutes, so they're either too smashed or in pain to be any good to talk to. Not that they're ever any good to talk to."

"Well, what about Trillian, then?"

"Messing around trying to figure out the improbability that the Improbability Drive can send us to a decent place to eat." this was because the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, had in fact been at the side of the universe they had started to head for before switching directions. "Not that I have to eat. No one ever considers me when they think about things like that."

"But if you don't have to eat, what does it matter?"

"That's exactly it. Oh, why do I bother. You could never figure it out with the brain you've got." the depressed GPP robot trudged off down the halls.

"There has to be a way to cheer him up." Arthur said to himself, taking another sip.

"I heard that." Marvin shouted back down the hallway, still not showing any emotion.

Arthur sighed again, still sad to have ever met Marvin. He didn't have anything against him personally, it was just his personality. Thinking over this later, Arthur realized that was pretty much all that distinguished Marvin.

A thought came to him. He pulled out a shiny, new copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which they had picked up on Ursa Minor Beta, where Ford had asked to stop so he could drop of his report personally, and to get an updated copy of the Guide. As a gift, he had gotten one for Arthur as well.

The idea that had formed in his was to look up info on the GPP robot line, and to find out exactly what had gone wrong. "Genuine People Personalities Robots." he said to the electronic tome. The screen lit up with a picture of a robot similar to Marvin, only with blue, square eyes.

It said, "The Genuine People Personality line of robots were created to perfectly simulate a human being. However, if you ever come across one, you'll find that they're about the same as the common appliance, only worse. Instead of having the cheerful disposition of say, an onboard computer, they have, due to the massive brains given to them, found a way to find something wrong with everything. So, in the end, all that had been successfully created were a bunch of manically depressed robots.

"On an interesting side note, when an email notice was first sent across the Galaxy, the title, 'GPP Announcement', was mistaken by the Moldians of Medra IV, as a warning, which in their language looked like AVV Announcement. AVV standing for Attack of Vicious Valkanines, the Valkanines were a crazed and destructive race that had never master space travel. So, when the peaceful Moldians thought they were being warned of an attack, they locked themselves up in the core of their planet and haven't been out since."

Arthur closed the book and sighed.. "How does one of the greatest ships ever created end up with one of the worst robots ever created?" the human suddenly found his mouth full of cotton. He spit it up and looked around to see the ship morphing around, and he realized that the Infinite Improbability Drive had been activated.

He stumbled through the ever changing ship and made it to the Deck just as Trillian was saying, "Probability 1 to 1. We have normality."

"Yeah, another drink to normality." Zaphoid said giggling stupidly from across the room. He and Ford took another drink, followed by screams of pain. Arthur really didn't know why they would drink those things. He had tried one, and it hurt worse anything he had ever felt. After that, well, he didn't remember much between then and the next morning.

"Why'd you activate the IID?" Arthur asked in wonderment.

Trill looked to Arthur and smiled. "We were under attack from a Vogon fleet. Luckily, the system began to work in time for me to activate the drive before we were obliterated. Arthur coughed awkwardly. "Anyway, it seems the fleet was replaced by one massive thing."

"What?" Arthur asked, seeing it on the screen a second later. It was a rather enormous, and very red. It was a certain mining ship called Red Dwarf.

To be continued… 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Mining Ship Red Dwarf (before Improbability Drive Activation)

"This is not funny you two." Arnold Rimmer said angrily, trying to get out from between the two of them. The two were Dave Lister and Cat, who were, at the time, chucking a football between the Hologram.

"Actually, Rimmer, this is quite enjoyable." The slobbish Dave replied with a chuckle, catching a pass through his abdomen.

"Yeah, H-head, lighten up, why don't ya?" the Cat said, reaching for the ball after a headshot. "Nice one."

"Because the reason I don't want you doing that is because you could hit my-" before he could finish, the football entered his body again, but this time, it ricocheted out, Rimmer falling to the ground and sliding across the room. He shouted as he flew down the nearby corridor. When he finally came to a stop, he yelled to the other two. "My Light Bee!"

Lister and Cat burst out in laughter at what had just happened. "I guess this proves that I've got more willpower when getting hit by pressurized balls, eh, Rimmer?"

"That is not funny, Lister." Arnold said, getting to his feet. "You could have seriously injured my Light Bee and I would have been out of commission for who knows how long. Then what would you do?"

"I'd have Holly bring up that stupid rulebook you made and break every one of them, starting with the one about not clipping my toenails in your bed."

"Yeah, and I'd be able to ignore your stupid 'No more than six fish meals per hour.' Rule." The Cat said, licking his lips. 'You'd think you were trying to starve me."

"Well, too bad, because my Bee has taken no damage. As such, I'll be around to keep this ship orderly."

"So, in other words…" Lister and Cat both put their hands to their mouths and blew raspberries.

"Oh, that's it. From now on-" the hologram was interrupted as Holly, the ship's computer, appeared on the TV screen.

"Don't mean to ruin the fun, gang, but it appears as if we've been pulled into some kind of wormhole." The bleach blonde said his with the same airy-ness as always.

Taking a serious tone, Rimmer looked to Holly. "Well, is there any way we can get out of it?"

"Not really." She replied. "It might have been possible when it started sucking us in twenty minutes ago, but now, we'd be lucky to get something going at light speed out of here."

"Twenty minutes!" Rimmer exclaimed. "Why didn't you warn us sooner!"

"Well, it was on the list. It's just that it came second in importance."

"What could possibly be more important than warning us that we were about to be sucked into a wormhole?"

"Well, the season finally of Androids was on." Holly replied defensively. "They told who Unit XQ76's real father was."

"That was today?" Lister said, shocked. "Oh, I was planning to watch that. Did you record it?"

"Of course I did."

"Oh, I can't wait, just tell me who it was."

"Well, it turns out-"

"Excuse me, ladies, but can you discuss this later. Oh, maybe when, WE'RE NOT BEING SUCKED INTO A WORMHOLE!" Rimmer shouted, angry that he seemed to be the only one who cared.

Suddenly, the ship was rocked by a collision of some sort. The three looked out the window to see a group of rather ugly green ships passing by them. They had no clue that these were the Vogon ships, and really didn't care.

"This is getting a bit too weird for me, so if you need me, I'll be in the dining area." With that, the Cat began to scoot down the hall in his strange way, stopping once to compliment himself in the mirror.

By this time, the ships were long gone, leaving the Red Dwarf flying through the wormhole. Eventually, it shot out the other end, and found itself near an silver orb of a ship called the Heart of Gold.

Next: First Contact

Sorry for the short chapter, but I'm not writing this from my home computer, and since I don't have a floppy, I wouldn't be able to post this again for a long time. Thanks for the reviews, and hope you enjoyed.


	3. First Contact

Chp. 03: First Contact

The Heart of Gold

"Eddie, what can you tell us about the other ship?" Trillian asked the ship's computer.

"Well, gang, I can tell that it's a ship made from metal that was put together over three million years ago, and that it's from a parallel dimension. Oh, and it also appears to be a mining ship called the Red Dwarf. That fits, seeing how it's such a red color…"

Trillian ignored Eddie's ramblings, turning to Arthur. "Hey, you think you can get those to sobered up, Arthur?"

"Uh, sure." Dent replied sheepishly, making his way across the deck to the two drinking. He picked up Zaphod and Ford's Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, this immediately got their attention. "That's right, fellows, follow the drinks."

The two clambered from their seats, stumbling towards Arthur. Zaphod let out a quick, slurred remark. "Come on, monkey man, don't be such a killjoy."

Arthur groaned slightly, hating it when he was called this by the ship's self-centered 'captain'. He used the term captain slightly, since he was either drunk or unable to even control the ship sober.

He backed up to the ship's two small booths, and placed a drink in each. As Ford and Zaphod stumbled towards them they bumped into each other. Ford chuckled. "A little tipsy, there, eh, Zaphlub?"

This was followed by a series of high pitched giggles from Zaphod, who toppled into one of the booths, Ford going into the other. Arthur slammed the doors shut, and in a minute, the two stepped out, sobered up thanks to the booths' effects.

"Hello there, monkey man. What'd we miss?" Zaphod asked of Arthur.

"Come over here and you'll see!" Trillian shouted from across the room. Ignoring a dirty look from Arthur, Zaphod strode quickly across the room, his head (the other one still missing) plastered with a confident smirk.

"What's up?" he asked, hovering a bit close to Trillian. She took a step away and pointed to the screen.

"It appears that when I activated the Improbability Drive, a three million year old mining ship called Red Dwarf was pulled into our dimension."

"Have we tried making contact?" Ford questioned as he approached, followed by Arthur.

"Sounds like a great idea, guy!" Eddie popped up cheerfully. "Just give me a few minutes to adapt their signal and then we'll-"

"Shut up while you're doing it." Zaphod said, cutting the computer off before he could go off on a rant.

"You got it, boss." and so, they waited.

Red Dwarf

"Holly, pull up the other ship on the view screen!" Rimmer barked out the command as he came into the room, followed by the Cat and Lister.

"Well, maybe you could ask a little nicer first." Holly replied, feeling a little under appreciated.

"What's going on?" Kryten asked, getting up from his seat across the room. The robot was now in the middle of watching one of Lister's Zero Gravity Football tapes, having taken a liking to them when they had run out of any other things to watch than the weekly Androids episodes.

"We were just sucked through a vortex of some kind that has dropped us in front of another ship, and now this bleach blonde bimbo won't let us see it." Rimmer said angrily.

"And you might never see it with that kind of attitude." Holly quipped.

"Now listen here, you self centered, mindless, air headed computer program, if you don't bring up the other ship right-"

"Holly, please, just do it before he burns his Light Bee out." Lister cut in. Happy to oblige, the blonde computer disappeared, replaced by the Heart of Gold. "So, what do you think it is?"

"Do I look like my expertise is ships from three million years in the future?" Rimmer replied, agitated.

"I was asking to everyone in general."

"Excuse me, boys, but it appears that the ship is trying to open transmission with us." Holly said.

"Then open the link." Rimmer said. However Holly stayed quiet. "Oh, for… please."

With that, the ship disappeared, and Trillian appeared on screen, surrounded by Zaphod, Ford, and Arthur. Rimmer jumped back from the other three, beginning to hop around giddily.

"Yes, yes, they have a woman, someone I can have a chance with! Sweet, sweet result! Yes! Yes!"

His three shipmates stared at him. It was Lister who first spoke. "Two things, Rimmer. First, no women in her right mind would ever get with you. Second, you're dead, and nothing's changing that. And also-"

"Since they can see that little display you put on, do you think anybody would want to do the vertical tango with you?" Cat finished for him.

Rimmer stopped, looking to the screen. He sighed, then giggled nervously. "This can't get much worse, eh?"

To be Continued…

Hey, guys, hope you enjoyed chapter three. Thanks for all the reviews guys, and look forward to the next chapter, where I hope for things to start heating up. Peace. 


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